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I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'" "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. ' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.' "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?

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' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.' I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express... " I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.' I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?